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This is the sequel to "Girl Talk" and picks up right where that story left off. And I actually wrote it and titled it before I looked at the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's song, but they pretty much fit, so they became sort of the intro into this part of the story. Hope you like it.
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
"all this fear has left me now, i'm not frightened anymore. it's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh. it's my mouth that pushes out this breath, and if i shed a tear i won't cage it. i won't fear love..." (Sarah McLachlan)
Jordan...
And of course my cell phone battery died right as I was dialing. Plants, goldfish, cell phone batteries ~ I seem to have problems keeping any of them alive. I hope it's not some kind of weird omen. And of course, neither of us had any change, so we left the cafe and went back to the morgue. I made sure the door to my office was shut ~ things are bad enough with the eavesdropping that happens occasionally without giving people plenty of reason to listen ~ like an open office door. Ok, Jordan. You can do this ~ you've talked to him hundreds of times on the phone before. Just pick up the phone and dial...
"Detective Hoyt."
"Woody? It's Jordan."
"Oh. Hi! Lunch over already?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"Ok."
Now, what to say? What to say...?
"Um, Jordan? Was there any particular reason you called?"
Ok, there's an opening... "Yeah. Sort of."
"And are you going to tell me what that reason is?"
"Oh. Well, um... Ummm... I don't really want to talk on the phone. Can we get together sometime? Like tonight for dinner maybe?"
"I think I'm free. Let me check..." What on earth? I've about given up on trying to figure Jordan out ~ just go with the flow and hope the rapids don't get too rough. "Um, yeah. Dinner tonight sounds good. Meet you at the Pogue?"
"No!" I think I said that too fast. "I mean, not tonight. I mean yeah, tonight ~ you, me dinner. Just not the Pogue tonight. I just...um..."
"Ok, ok. Where do you want to meet?"
"How about if I whip something up and we eat at my place?" Yeah, that's it. My place ~ my sanctuary, well, my other sanctuary. Dinner at the morgue would be too weird even for me.
"Um, sure, I guess." Her place? What is she up to? I think I sounded a little too tentative on that. "Yeah, Jordan. That would be great. What time should I come over?"
"I get off at 5. I need to pick up some stuff and get things ready. Um, how about around 7?"
"Sure. I'll be there." I don't know what she's up to, but I'm going to take a wild guess that it has something to do with everything at the morgue before she and Lily went to lunch.
"Thanks Woody." Thanks? Why did I just thank him?
"For what?" Ok, she's definitely acting weird.
"For... I don't know. For being my friend?"
"Is that a question?"
"I, uh...I..."
"Jordan? It's ok. I'll see you at 7 at your place."
"Ok. See you then."
Jordan...
Now then. That wasn't so hard. Jordan, who are you kidding? You're shaking like a leaf. Ok ~ deep breath. It's just Woody. Your good friend Woody. Coming over for dinner. At your place. Tonight. "Aargh!!"
"Jordan? Is something wrong?"
"Garret! Um... Hi."
"Hi. Are you feeling alright? I saw you run in here before you and Lily went to lunch and you seemed a little off then, and now you're...you're just not really yourself."
"I'm ok. I'm... You really don't want to hear it."
"Try me."
"No, really."
"Jordan..."
"It's, um, about Woody. He's coming over for dinner tonight and..."
"Oh. Ok. Well, that's..." More than just the usual friends having dinner thing I'm guessing from the look on her face. "Jordan? This is serious isn't it?"
"Um, well...sort of. I think. Hell, Garret, I don't know what I'm doing here."
"Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off? Go and get things ready?"
"No, I couldn't..."
"Jordan, I'm not talking to you as your boss here, I'm talking to you as your friend. You're going to be ok ~ I promise. Just take things one step at a time. He's a person, just like you and me. Just talk with him ~ and be...honest. If you don't think that he knows who you are, well, you're wrong. I think he knows a lot more about you than you think he does."
"Well..."
"And Jordan? Really, take the afternoon off. It's fine. Have a good afternoon, a wonderful evening, and I'll see you tomorrow."
"But..."
"Good-bye Jordan."
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow."
Jordan...
So Garret let me go home early, but not before he gave me a great Garret hug and another reassuring "things are going to be fine." Lily came and gave me a hug, trying to reassure me that everything would be fine. I went to the store to pick up the food I needed and ran into Dad. What fun that was. It didn't take him long to figure out what was going on. He said that he was glad I was finally going to talk with Woody about things, though I think that he already thought things were further along than they were between us. But still, it's nice to know I've got his support as well.
Then I went home and cleaned, baked, set the table up, and finished up with a long, hot shower. Before I knew it, the clock said 6:45pm and I took a quick inventory...
Alright ~ the place is clean, I'm clean, the cake is baked, the salad is ready, the chicken's cooked, the sauce is almost ready ~ herbs go in just before I serve it, the bread is heating, I'll put the pasta on later since I don't want it to get overdone, the wine is chilling. Wait ~ do I want to have wine? Is that the best choice for... Just relax Jordan. Things are going to be fine. I mean, it's a pretty sure thing that he likes you, right? So it's going to be fine.
Crap! What to wear? Not too casual, but not too dressy. Ummm...ok, denim skirt ~ the longer one ~ and this coral tank top with the white mesh sweater over it. Yeah. That's it. Perfect. Now a little mascara, blush and powder ~ oh yeah, and some lip gloss. Hair ~ what to do with my hair. It's...
knock, knock, knock...
Great. He's here. Ok, well, I guess down, loose and natural is going to have to work. Now, deep breath. Good girl. Ok, open the door and...damn he looks good.
"Woody! Hi! Come on in." Yeah ~ he definitely looks good. Khakis and a denim shirt with the tiniest bit of t-shirt showing at the collar. Oh my God! He's got a bouquet of daisies! I mean, it's sweet ~ I just didn't expect it.
"Hi. Thanks for inviting me over. I, uh, I picked these up for you on the way over. I thought they might be a nice addition to the table or something." So she can look like a girl if she wants to. Definitely a great choice. "You look wonderful. I'd forgotten how nice your hair looks when it's wavy like that."
"Oh, that ~ I just for-.."
"Jordan? It's ok. I like it."
"Ok. Thanks for the daisies. Well, I've got to cook the pasta and that'll only take a few minutes so I guess you can sit on the couch if..."
"Can I stay in here and talk with you?"
"Um, sure. That's fine too."
"Things smell great. What's for dinner?"
"Chicken fettuccini Alfredo and Caesar salad. With chocolate cake for dessert."
"One of my favorite meals of all time." Especially when I'm sharing it with someone I love.
"I've got some white merlot chilling if you'd like some of that."
"Sounds good. Would you like a glass too?"
"Yeah. Thanks Woody." See? This isn't so hard. Just two friends having dinner together. Yay! I can do this after all. Did I just think "yay?" What am I doing?
"Here you go. This is good. I've never had white merlot before."
"Yeah, it's nice. Not as strong as a full merlot but not as weak as a white zin."
"Right."
"Ok, the pasta's almost done. Why don't you go and sit down and I'll bring things over in a minute."
"Sure."
"Alright. Well, here's to friends."
"Yeah. Oh my God, Jordan. This is delicious."
"Thanks. Semester abroad in college in Italy. My host mom taught me how to make a lot of stuff."
"I see. So what did you want to talk about?"
"Oh, can we wait on that until after dinner?" Please? I need to keep things light or I'll never keep this food down.
"Oh, sure. Not a problem." So now it's small talk ~ work, the weather, that type of thing. She really is a good cook, I wasn't making that up. I wish she'd relax a little and enjoy herself. At least I know the one thing it's not that she has to talk with me about. So I can relax a little bit.
Jordan...
So we finished eating ~ pretty good meal if I do say so myself ~ and then we moved over to the couch to talk in a more "comfortable" environment. Yeah, right. So anyway, that's when the fun really started...
"Jordan, that was a great dinner. Thanks for having me over."
"You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it."
"So. I got the distinct impression from our interaction earlier today ~ both before lunch and on the phone after ~ that something really big's on your mind? Are you ready to tell me what that is?"
"Yeah. I think so. It may take me a while to get things out, but..."
"Take all the time you need. I'm yours all night." And beyond, but we'll leave it at the night for now.
"Ok. Well, I guess I really should go back to the beginning of all this."
"Wherever you need to start."
"Ok, well, you already know the basic story. My mother was killed when I was 10. I remember the principal coming into my classroom with a police officer. I knew they were there for me. I thought something had happened to Dad. The officer tried to hold my hand, but I broke away from him and ran home as fast as I could. I got home and there were cops everywhere. Somehow I got through them and went into the living room. It was cold in the room ~ early cold snap I guess. Mom was laying on the floor, not moving, not breathing. I knew because you could see other people's breath, but not hers. The blood was so red ~ redder than anything I'd ever seen. I just stood there ~ I didn't know what to do or where to go. Then I saw Dad and screamed for him. He was in the kitchen, but he saw me and tried to come to me. But there were cops all around him, trying to restrain him. He hit one of them. I watched them put handcuffs on him and take him away. I don't remember a lot after that. Now I understand that the police had to look at him as a suspect ~ he was the one who found her and he had her blood all over him ~ but then I didn't understand at all. All I wanted was to have my family back ~ and if that couldn't happen, I wanted my Daddy. I didn't want to be at my friend Kim's house, or at my grandparents. I wanted to be at home with my Daddy." Once I got started, it wasn't all that hard. For the first time I can remember, I wasn't fumbling for words to talk about what happened.
"That's understandable."
"So after that, I don't know. Something changed. I was afraid to get close to anyone ~ to let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to ever lose anyone like that again. It hurt too much to love someone and lose them. It applied to practically everyone ~ friends, boyfriends, co-workers. If they didn't get close enough to really know me and vice versa, it wouldn't hurt when I lost them. For a long time, my world was Daddy and me. That's all I allowed into it. Even the therapists Dad sent me to didn't make a lot of progress. I didn't ever want to be out of control. I felt like as long as I was in control of the situation, as long as I didn't need anyone else to help me, I was doing ok. It's an illusion I managed to keep up for a long time. Until now, actually."
"What's changed?"
"I don't know exactly. I just... I feel safe with you, Woody. You help me to feel safer than I have in a long time."
"Wow."
"I guess I first started to realize it when you came out to L.A. this summer to find me and bring me home. No one I've ever known would have done that for me. I...well, maybe I was sort of realizing it before that ~ that you really did care and would try to do just about whatever you could to help me. That's why I came to your apartment that night."
"When Lily was there? I sort of sensed that something had changed and you really did need to talk ~ not just with anyone but with me. That's why I was so sorry that I wasn't alone that night."
"I know. But it's ok. So yeah ~ somehow you worked your way into my life ~ and into my heart. Somewhere along the line, I've fallen in love with you ~ without even realizing it. I don't even know ~ I just... I know I didn't really say much at the bar after the whole Cynthia Montgomery mess, but I really was worried about you. It was partly selfish as well ~ I didn't know what I was going to do if anything happened to you. And that scared me. I realized that I'd let you in as much as I had ~ that I'd fallen for you as hard as I had. And I could have lost you. That scared the hell out of me, Woody. And I almost ran as far as I could from you, but..." And before I knew it, I was crying. Tears like I haven't cried in a long, long time. But it felt good to get them out. Within seconds of my breakdown, I felt Woody's strong arms around me, enveloping me in one of the strongest hugs I've ever felt in my life.
"Jordan, oh God, baby. It's ok. Please... Shh. Sweetheart. It's ok. I'm here. I'm not leaving you. I promise. I'm here Jordan." I just held her and kissed her hair for what seemed like forever. Sometimes just being there with someone is enough. This was one of those times. When she had calmed down, I gently pulled her face away from my chest so I could look directly into her eyes. "Jordan? I'm here. I promise. I'm here. I'm not leaving you. I promise. I love you Jordan. I love you."
"I love you too, Woody. I love you so much." At that, he pulled me even closer and kissed me. Not the short, somewhat tentative kiss we'd shared that night in the desert, but a deep, passionate kiss like I haven't felt in a long time ~ if ever. And, somewhat to my surprise, I found myself responding with an equal level of passion. Somehow, at some point, we moved over to the bedroom, and before we knew it, the futon was in bed form and we were laying on it, our clothes in piles around the room. Our kisses continued as our hands gently and gradually explored each other's bodies. I've never been so comfortable with someone in my whole life, and I got the feeling Woody hadn't either. Then he pulled back...
"Jordan. Stop. Wait. We can't do this."
"Do what? I thought things were going well."
"They are. I just... Jordan, I love you. God do I love you. But I don't..." How on earth can I explain this without making a huge mess of things?
"You don't what, Woody?"
"Jordan, I don't want to have sex tonight. It just doesn't feel right this way." I hope she understands what I'm trying to say.
"Um... Huh? I'm confused."
"I think I am too. I... Jordan, you shared a lot of stuff with me tonight. A lot. And I... I really am glad that you've finally opened up to me and talked with me about it. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to cheapen it ~ I don't want it to seem like sex is a 'reward' for you opening up like that. Does that make any sense?"
"I think it does ~ in a weird way."
"I'm not saying never, I just..." Ok, confession time here. Yeah, I do want her. More than I've ever wanted anyone else in my life. But there's something else. I need to hear something else from her, but I want her to figure it out on her own. She's come close, but... I need her to realize that she needs me, not just that she loves me, but... Yeah, I know that sounds really selfish, but I mean that I don't want this to become like all too many of the other relationships she's had. From what she said earlier, this is deeper than she's ever gone with someone and I need to give her time to realize that and all its implications. If we just jump into sex, that might never happen. Plus I don't want it to be just sex. For either of us.
"Ok. Woody? It's ok. I understand. Thank you."
"Thank me? For..."
"For not making this all about sex."
"Oh sweetheart. Never. I never want it to be all about sex with us. I promise the time will come. I love you, Jordan."
"I love you too, Woody. So much." More kisses. God, his kisses are fabulous. I never expected to ever be kissed like this in my life. "Woody?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you stay? We don't have to do anything, I just...I'd like it if you just held me. Please?"
"Of course, baby. No problem at all."
So we kissed and held each other, and finally fell asleep in each other's arms. For the first time, I went to sleep knowing that the nightmares weren't going to haunt me that night. But if by some weird twist of fate they did, I was safe in the arms of the man I loved more deeply and more intensely than I had ever loved a man in my life.
At some point in the night, I woke up. But not from a nightmare. From a realization about something. There was something I needed to tell him that I'd somehow left out of my speech earlier. I guess it got lost in the kisses. Woody's arms were tightly around me, but I managed to turn onto my other side so that we were facing each other. I felt a light kiss on my forehead and looked up to find that I wasn't the only one awake.
"Hey, you."
"Hey."
"You ok?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, you just all of a sudden turned over and cuddled up to me so tightly, I guess I was afraid that you'd had a nightmare or something."
"No, God no, Woody. I just...I...I..." Have you ever had one of those moments when it just seems like there are no words to express what you're feeling? That was one of those for me. And there really was nothing else to do at that point but reach up, take his face between my hands and kiss him. Probably deeper than I've ever kissed anyone in my life. He responded by pulling me even tighter into his arms and kissing me back equally as deeply. Then he pulled back a little, both of us gasping for breath.
"Jordan. Sweetie. Wait."
"What? What's wrong?"
"It's what I said before. Jordan, I love you. In some ways I have ever since the moment you walked into that bank for the first case we ever worked on together. And the more time we've spent together, the deeper and the harder I've fallen. But I don't want to mess things up by moving too fast. I want things to be... I mean..."
I guess Woody was having one of those moments now. But during his speech, somehow I found exactly the words I needed ~ and it wasn't just because I wanted something. I didn't care if we had sex that night ~ or ever. I needed to tell him totally and completely how I felt. I kissed him quickly to quiet him down and took his face between my hands. I pulled back so he could look right in my eyes...
"Woody? Look at me." As I spoke, I heard my own voice crack and felt something warm and wet slide down my cheeks.
"Jordan? Baby, don't cry. Please? I didn't mean..."
"Woody? Please, just look at me and listen to me."
"Ok."
I took a minute and looked right in his eyes ~ not to hypnotize him or anything, but so he could see and understand that with every fiber of my being I meant every bit of what I was about to say.
"Woody, I love you. I know I said it earlier, but I need you to hear me. I LOVE YOU! I love you in a way that I've never loved anyone before ~ that I didn't know it was possible to love anyone. You came into my life and you turned it upside down ~ and I love you for it. But, Woody? There's something more. Something I've never been able to say to anyone before because it's never been true until now..." The tears were really streaming out of my eyes now, but I didn't let go of his face to wipe them away. For once I wasn't afraid of letting someone else see what I was feeling. I reached up and kissed him quickly once more, then looked deep into his eyes for a full minute before I said anything else. To his credit, I think he sensed the importance and intensity of what I was saying and he just looked back at me, his eyes filled with love. He actually seemed to be on the verge of tears himself.
"Woody? I need you. I need you in my life, Woody ~ in all aspects of my life. I love you and I need you. More than..." At that he pulled me into the strongest, safest hug I've ever experienced and kissed me even more deeply than before. It seemed like hours before he pulled back and held my face in his hands.
"Jordan? I love you too. So much. More than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. Thank you."
"Huh?"
"For being you. For finally telling me everything that...that...everything that's made you who you are, that's brought you to this point. For trusting me enough to open up and let me into your life. Baby, I love you. And in my own way, I need you too." Those were the words I'd been waiting to hear ~ those three little words she'd uttered moments before. Words I never thought I'd hear her say, "I need you." She was so vulnerable right then ~ in a night of intense vulnerability for her. I think it is probably what she would have looked like before her mother was killed ~ before she put up the emotional wall she's lived behind for 23 years. I knew that I loved her more than life itself and that I didn't ever want to do anything to hurt her. I also sensed that the time had come for something else.
"Jordan?"
"Yeah?"
"I know what I said earlier about not wanting to..."
"Woody, I so did not say that just to..."
"Shhh, baby, I know. I know you didn't. And I still don't want to have sex with you. It's deeper than that. I want us to make love."
"Ummm..."
"There's a big difference. Feelings are connected this way. It..."
"Woody, I know what you're saying. I just... Yes."
"What?"
"Yes." I honestly didn't know kisses could get any deeper than those we'd shared only moments before, but I guess I was wrong. Woody pulled back only long enough to retrieve something from his wallet, and then took me in his arms again. Just before, he looked in my eyes as I'd looked in his before ~ deep, emotional, full of love, pretty much like my own felt at that moment.
"Jordan?"
"Yeah? I'm sure."
"That's not... Keep your eyes open?"
"Ok." And with a kiss, I ~ we ~ lost all contact with reality...
I think we each experienced something ~ a closeness and an intimacy we never expected to find. It was a magical night, and once again, we fell asleep in each other's arms. In the morning, the sunlight woke us as it fell across our faces. After another long, deep kiss, we got ready to leave for work. We left my building hand in hand and hopped into my car. Woody offered to ride in all the way with me, and after we parked, we walked hand in hand towards my office and on the way stopped for coffee and a bagel. As we approached the morgue, I pulled him over to the side of the building.
"Woody?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Jordan. See you tonight?"
"Yeah. Maybe we'll... Want to go to the Pogue?"
"Sure. I'll call you later." Oh boy. There's no way she's going to be able to keep this from Max. Or, maybe she doesn't want to. I guess we'll find out later tonight.
"Alright. Be careful out there today!" Without even worrying about who might be passing by, I reached up and gave Woody the deepest kiss I could in public ~ much to my delight he returned it with matching passion. Much too soon, we broke apart to go to our separate jobs. I moved not even noticing what was going on around me until a voice broke into my reverie...
"Morning Jordan. I'm going to assume from the look on your face that you actually took my advice?"
"Garret! Hi. Umm..."
"It's ok. You don't have to say anything. Your face says it all. And I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks Garret. For everything." And he wrapped me in another of his great Garret hugs. The elevator doors opened, and we stepped into another work day.
I could only imagine what the future held for me and Woody. My boyfriend. My lover in every sense of the word. And for once, the future didn't scare me because I knew that whatever it held, I didn't have to face it alone.
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