Follow up to the debacle that was "Sunset Division" ~ well, not really a follow-up...it's my thoughts on what happened with Jordan since we didn't get to see her very much in that episode.
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The morning after Woody told Jordan he was going hunting.
Jordan. . .
He left me! He freakin left me! Just like that! I mean, yeah, he said that he was going hunting with his brother, but I didn't know he meant immediately! I call and get his answering machine saying he's gonna be gone for a couple of weeks. Damn it! I really needed to talk with him too ~ to. . . Can't think about that right now. It hurts too much. Way too much.
It's interesting. I don't know that I've ever felt this way before ~ this feeling of being abandoned. I mean with a guy. I definitely felt alone when Mom. . . But never with a guy. I don't think I've ever let myself get close enough to face the possibility of feeling left. But now. . . I wonder if it's what. . . Shit! Is this what Tyler felt like when I left L.A.? I mean, that night when he showed up here at 3am or whenever it was when his flight to Patagonia got cancelled he did seem hurt about the way I just left. But that was different. I mean, I left because of a job ~ I needed one, there was one here. And it's not like we were in l-. . .
Wait a minute. It's not like I'm in love with Woody is it? No ~ it can't be. But. . . But. . . Oh hell, maybe I am. I don't know ~ I don't think I've ever been in love before, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. I just know that it hurts like hell that Woody's not here. And I miss him.
Oh well, better get to work. I don't need Garret fussing at me about being late on top of everything else. At least I won't have time to think at work if it's like it usually is. . .
. . .later, at the morgue. . .
What was I saying about being busy? Can't somebody in Boston die? I mean, I don't want to sound mean, but I need something to do. I've roamed the hall so many times it'll be bad if I do it again. Hmm. . . Maybe I'll go and see if Nigel wants to grab lunch. Yeah, that's it. I mean, it's. . .11 a.m. Well, it could be an early lunch, right? Ok, down the hall to his office and. . .
What's that? Oh, music. He's playing something on his computer ~ he loves that jukebox software he' got. Well, I'll just. . . Wait, what song is that? I know I've heard it before, but. . . Those words. . .
"Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost,
I'd be frightened;
I couldn't cope.
Just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head.
I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so."
Shit. It's like he knew I was here and what I was feeling. Maybe I can just get back to my office before. . .
"Jordan?"
Damn it! "Yeah?"
"Did you need something, luv?"
"Nah. Not important. I was just going to see if. . . Nigel, what are you listening to?"
"'Jesus Christ Superstar: A Resurrection' ~ it's a charity album for anti-gun violence causes. It's really cool. Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls sings the part of Jesus."
"Oh. I might have to borrow it sometime, Nige."
"Not a problem. Wait, was the music so loud you could hear it in your office?"
"No, I was just. . . I know it's only 11, but do you want to get lunch or something?"
"Jordan? You never want lunch. Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm just bored! Doesn't anyone know we need people to die to work around here?"
"Jordan!"
"I know, I know. It's awful. But today I just really needed to have something to do to keep me busy. And keep my mind. . . Never mind."
"You know what, Jordan? Do let's get some lunch. I think some time out of this office might be just what you need."
"Jordan, Nigel? You going somewhere?"
"Yes, Garret. Jordan suggested she and I get some lunch since we don't seem to have any bodies to work on right now."
"Jordan? You suggested lunch?"
"What is it with you people? I eat lunch."
"Whatever you say, luv."
"Nigel, I'm. . ."
"Jordan, I'm only teasing. It's just that, well, when you do eat lunch, it's usually not with anyone from this office."
"Gee, Garret, I didn't know you were paying such close attention to my. . ."
"Now we're even."
"Ha, ha. Anyway, Nige and I haven't had much 'bonding time' lately and. . ."
"It's ok. Go ahead. I'll page you if anyone decides to die."
They went down the street and found a little place with some outdoor seating so that they could enjoy the beautiful sunshine. After they'd ordered and their Coke and diet Coke had been set down, Nigel looked at Jordan, who seemed a million miles away.
"So, you going to tell me what's got you so distracted today?"
"It's nothing, really. I mean. . ."
"Oh, wait a minute. I think I might know what this has to do with."
"You do?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do I have to guess what you're thinking or are you going to tell me?"
"Well, I called a certain precinct to talk with a certain detective this morning because I saw the robot he's missing for his collection on EBay and wanted to let him know."
"Uh huh?"
"And they said that this certain detective was involved in an altercation last night, was slightly injured and was put on the D.L. for two weeks. And that he'd taken off to visit his brother. In Wisconsin."
"Yeah."
"Oh, Jordan."
"What?"
"That's what this is all about isn't it? The distraction. The wanting something to do. The walking the halls like the living ghost of the morgue?"
"You noticed that, huh?"
"Yes. As did everyone, though no one was going to say anything. We didn't. . .uh, well. . ."
"You didn't want to upset the morgue volcano?"
"Now that's not what I was going to say. We just know that you don't like to share a lot and we, well, we try to be supportive and give you space at the same time. That's why we sort of wait for you to come to one of us."
"Yeah. Thanks."
"So what are we going to do about this?"
"Alright, first of all, what do you mean 'we'? And second, what makes you think I want to do anything about 'this'?"
"Jordan, in all the time we've worked together, you've never once randomly asked me to go to lunch unless it was just convenient to the case."
"Oh, yeah. You're right. I'm sorry about. . ."
"So I can only assume that you wanted to talk to your 'adopted big brother' about this. Am I right?"
"Yeah. I just. . ."
"It's ok. Consider this a confessional. Whatever's said her stays here."
"I'm not sure I believe you, but I'll pretend like I do."
"There's a good girl."
"Nige, I don't know what's up. I mean, something in my just sort of felt funny when he said that he was going hunting with his brother and he was on the D.L. for two weeks. I literally felt sick to my stomach."
"Oh my."
"And then this morning I tried to call him and he'd put on his voice mail that he was going to be gone for a couple of weeks. I didn't. . .I didn't think he meant he was leaving today!"
"Oh, Jordan."
"But why should it even bother me. I mean it's not like we're. . ."
"So you haven't. . . Guess, I'm out of that pool."
"NIGEL!"
"I'm sorry luv. Things have been a little slow the past week or so, and we needed something to do."
"But really. A pool about my love life?"
"Is that what it is?"
"What?"
"A love life?"
"If I'd wanted to be asked this many questions, I would have invited Stiles for lunch."
"Ah yes, but you asked me."
"True. Nige, I don't know. After I tried to call him this morning, I just felt really weird. Almost like he left me. And then I realized that what I was feeling was probably similar to what Tyler ~ remember him?"
"Unfortunately I do. But that party was. . . I digress."
"Yes, you do. Anyway, I guess what I felt was similar to what he felt when I just up and left L.A."
"Uh huh. . ."
"And I think in some ways he really might have loved me and I just wasn't open to letting myself feel it or recognize it."
"Now we're getting somewhere."
"Has Stiles been giving you lessons?"
"No, no. I just ~ well, at one point I studied psychology as well."
"I should have known."
"Jordan. . ."
"Alright. Yeah, I started to realize that maybe. . . But that's just silly. I mean, of all the people for me to fall in love with. . ."
"It had to be him."
"Exactly. Why, Nige?"
"Jordan, I may be an expert in some things, but matters of the heart, alas, is not one of my stronger categories."
"So you don't have any advice?"
"Jordan, let yourself feel and figure out what is going on."
"Well, I. . ."
"I noticed you stopped dead in your tracks at the song that was playing when you were standing at the door to my office."
"It just. . ."
"It does seem. . . Why don't you borrow the CD and listen to it?"
"Ok, I guess when we get to leave tonight."
"Why don't you see if Garret will let you take the afternoon off and just take a little time. I think even if a body came in. . ."
"I might not be much good?"
"Well, I was going to say focused."
"Ok, let's go."
Jordan. . .
So we paid our bill and walked back to the office. Amazingly, Garret was willing to give me the afternoon off ~ as long as I promised to keep my pager on just in case. Nigel handed me the CD and a CD walkman saying "Track number 13." Of course. A song I decide I can relate to and it's track number 13.
I wasn't sure where else to go ~ didn't want to go home ~ so I drove over to the Pogue and let myself in. I could hear Dad in the back doing inventory, so I hollered that I was out front and was just going to hang out for a while. He hollered back that was fine. He'd be out in a minute.
I wandered over to the CD player ~ decided I didn't want to listen on a walkman ~ and popped the CD in. Let's see. . .track 13. . .
"I Don't Know How To Love Him" from "Jesus Christ Superstar"
(words by Tim Rice, music by Andrew Lloyd Weber)
"I don't know how to love him.
What to do,
How to move him.
I've been changed.
Yes really changed.
In these past few days,
When I see myself,
I seem like someone else.
"I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man.
He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways;
He's just one more.
"Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love?
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
"Don't you think it's rather funny
That I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm,
So cool,
No lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so
"I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
"Yet if he said he loved me
I'd be lost.
I'd be frightened .
I couldn't cope.
Just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head.
I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.
I love him so."
I hadn't noticed Dad come out of the storeroom to stand behind me while the song was playing. But as it ended, I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"You wanna talk about it, sweetheart?"
"Oh, Dad. It's Woody. He got hurt last night and he left for Wisconsin to go hunting with his brother and. . .and. . .and I think I really love him. And I don't know if he's coming back or when or how to get in touch with him at all since his cell's turned off. . ."
"Oh, Jordan." And without another word, he just pulled me into his arms and we just stood there, me caught somewhere between tears and no tears and Dad just rubbing my back and petting my hair.
Dad was great. He didn't push me to say anything before I was ready. He's good. Of course he has lived with me practically my whole life and he has been with me through some really tough times. I never really cried, but I was close a few times. Finally I decided I was ready to talk, so I pulled back from his hug and moved to my favorite table in the corner holding tight to Dad's hand.
"So, sweetheart. What's up?"
"I'm not really sure. I mean, I. . . Dad, Woody's in Wisconsin right now."
"He's what?"
"There was this problem with. . ."
"Oh Jeeze, Jordan."
"No, no. Not that kind of problem. I mean we were having dinner together and there was this major altercation going on in the alley, so he went to try and break it up. The guy involved ran off, but he was trying to take the woman, Jolene, in for questioning because it appeared to be a domestic disturbance."
"Ok."
"But she was really pumped up on something and she beat him up pretty badly. She hit him in the face with a trash can. She was going to hit him with a shovel when I kicked the alley door from the restaurant's back room and knocked her out."
"Well, that's good at least. I think. Was she. . ."
"She's got a concussion and is in custody. She's the one who was beating up her live-in."
"Oh my. How's Woody?"
"He's ok. His head got cut and they had to close it with a couple of butterfly bandages. They put him on the D.L. for two weeks, and he went hunting with his brother in Wisconsin."
"Well, it's something to do. But there's something you're still not telling me."
"I know. Dad, I miss him. I didn't realize how much he really means to me until he wasn't there when I called him. I just. . . I mean, yeah, I'm fine on my own. But I really like having him to talk with and hang out with. I haven't had that for a long time."
"Jordan, it's for two weeks, right?"
"Right."
"And do you have any reason to think he won't come back?"
"No ~ I mean he's not given me any. And he did say that he'd miss me."
"Really? He. . ."
"I asked him."
"I'm. . ."
"Surprised? I was too a little. I've never said that to anyone before. I don't. . . I don't like to seem too. . .dependent I guess."
"It's understandable given everything you've been through. But he said he'd miss you, right?"
"Yeah."
"But you're still worried that he won't come back?"
"Yeah. . ."
"And you're listening intently to 'I Don't Know How To Love Him' all of a sudden?"
"Um. . ."
"Jordan, it's ok to let yourself feel."
"But every time I've let myself fall in love I've gotten hurt. And I know you don't like to talk about it, but Mom didn't exactly help in that area."
"Jordan, I wish there was some way I could help you through all that. But I know that it's just going to take some time. And maybe someone like Woody."
"Maybe you're right. It's just. . . I'm just going to say it. What I'm feeling scares the shit out of me."
"Jordan, I'm not going to get overly anything, but love, like life is scary and messy. And worth every bit of grief and pain it might put you through. Even all the pain when your mother was killed. I wouldn't trade what I had with her for anything. Baby, take this chance. Let your heart feel something. Don't close yourself off."
"I'll try, Dad. I'll try."
"Good girl. Now, I need to get ready to open. Feel like playing bar wench?"
"I think I'll take a rain-check on that if it's ok. I just want to go and think things through. And maybe Woody's got his cell on and I can talk to him a little."
"Alright. I'll see you later sweetheart."
He gave me a big hug and sent me on my way. Woody didn't have his cell on ~ or he wasn't answering it. Well, maybe tomorrow. . .
About a week later. . .
That was bizarre. Woody just called ~ from an airport bathroom in Los Angeles no less ~ to see if I could give him a connection. Sounded like he might need some serious help, so I gave him Hector's name and number. Hopefully he's over stuff by now.
Yeah, people think I'm a workaholic. I don't jump on a case while I'm on vacation. Well, I haven't yet. Last summer wasn't a vacation, it was a suspension. There's a big difference.
But Los Angeles? What is he doing out there and when. . .?
"Nigel!"
"Yes my love? What can I do for you?"
"Don't a lot of rental cars have lojack now?"
"Depends. In some places they all do. Usually larger cities. I'm not sure if Kewaunee would because it's only recently become standard around here. Seems to be hitting larger cities and tourist areas. Where exactly are we talking?"
"Los Angeles."
"Los Angeles?"
"Yeah, um, Woody's on some case out there. Don't ask. But I'm a little. . .worried about him."
"Really? Is he in trouble?"
"I'm not sure. He didn't say much, but apparently something happened in Wisconsin and he followed the case out to LA. And there's only one police division out there that I know of that would be dealing with inter-state cases, and if he's in with the Sunset Division he's in trouble."
"Sunset Division? You're kidding me, right?"
"No. Think 'Miami Vice' meets 'The Matrix' and you've got a little of the idea."
"Oh my."
"So, can we do anything to find. . ."
"Oh Woodrow. A Metro? What were you thinking?"
"Huh?"
"Here's the info sweetheart. What are you going to do with. . ."
"Jordan? You got a minute?" Dad was in the doorway.
"Yeah. What's up?"
"I just wanted to give you something." He held out an envelope and waited for me to take it. I reached over and took it from his hand. I turned it over and opened the flap.
"Dad! What. . .?"
"It's a round-trip ticket to LA. The return trip can be changed ~ I made sure just in case. . . Jordan, you need to talk with him. You've been moping around ever since he left, and I know you're worried about him. Sweetheart, go to LA and talk to him."
"But I can't just go to LA. I mean, I've got a job here and. . ."
"It's ok, Jordan. I made Max promise that was a round trip ticket." Garret poked his head in the door. "And you have been moping around here. Just promise me you'll be back within a week?"
"Oh I could just. . . Hell, forget it. Come here, all of you." I pulled them all into a hug. "But how will I know where he is when I get there. I mean we know now, but. . ."
"Now don't you fret, Jordan. I'll keep tabs on the lad and let you know where he is when you get there. Just turn your cell phone on when you get off the plane."
"Alright. Thanks Nige."
"Well, sweetheart, if you're going to get out there and talk to him, I need to get you to Logan."
"Alright. I just need to go to my place and. . ."
"I have a bag for you in the car. I. . .well, I went by your place and put some stuff in a bag."
"Ok. Well, let's go. Bye Garret. Bye Nige. I'll see you in a few days."
"You'd better. You're not the only one who's got connections in LA."
"Ok. See you later. Dad, what are you waiting for? Let's go!"
Later that day on Venice Pier. . .
So I got out here and Nige located him at the Venice Pier. I called him and talked to him on the phone as I walked towards him. He sounded happy to see me. And when he saw me and I got to where he was standing, he grabbed me so hard I almost choked and spun me around and kissed my cheek at least six times. So I didn't exactly tell him everything ~ but I did tell him I was afraid he wasn't coming back. He said his flight left in three hours and there was no way he wasn't coming back.
Then I sort of freaked and told him there was a John Doe that I just knew wasn't a suicide. I think he knew I was kidding. Maybe.
We didn't have long, but we did walk down to the end of the pier, my arm around his waist, his arm around my shoulder. I wasn't sure where this was heading, and for once I wasn't overly concerned. I got the feeling that no matter what happened, we'd be able to remain friends.
We got to the airport and managed to get my ticket changed onto his flight and get our seats together. It was a red-eye after I'd flown out that morning, but still. Woody and I were together and that was all that mattered. We talked about everything and nothing until our row was called. We got settled into our seats, and as the plane began its taxi to take off, I reached over and took Woody's hand in mine. Trust me ~ that's a BIG step for me. He looked at me and smiled as he squeezed my hand. I guess he decided it was worth a chance and he leaned over and gave me a quick, gentle kiss on the lips. As he pulled back, he just looked at me for a minute.
"What?"
"I just want to remember this, is all."
"Remember what?"
"Everything about this moment. Jordan, thanks for. . .for coming out to get me. And for. . ."
"Thank Dad for the plane ticket."
"No, I mean more than that. For being worried about me."
"Oh, that. Well. . . Woody, I don't know where this is going between us. If it's going to be more than friends or what. But I know that you mean a lot to me. And things just didn't feel right when you weren't here."
"Thanks Jordan."
"You're welcome."
"There's just one thing. . ."
"What's that?"
"Remind me to stay away from chili-cheeseburgers."
"What?" I knew good and well what he was talking about ~ Hector's routine ~ but feigned innocence.
"Never mind. I'll tell you about it sometime."
And with that he settled in and fell asleep. As for me, I just stared out the window, lost in my own thoughts. Were we ever going to be more than friends? Would it be enough if we weren't? Finally I decided for once in my life to not worry about the future. I was sitting on the plane, flying back to Boston with my best friend. Did I love him? Yeah, I did. What kind of love? Well, for now I was content to let it be what it was ~ deep, strong, growing friendship. I decided that maybe letting someone into my life wasn't such a bad thing. And Woody seemed content and willing to be that person. And it felt good to have him in my life.
Looking at everything, I realized I had a lot. I had a father who loved me. Co-workers who care about me. And a guy who has shown that he'll do anything for me ~ just because. Maybe love wasn't so bad. I guess I was pretty lucky with all that I had in my life. Love, family, friends. And that's all that really mattered.
finito!
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